♪♪[Classical]
I tell you, you've got nothing to worry about
- The plane is perfectly safe - Can I have...
- It ran a little low on gas when it got into all that fog, that's all - Thank you
So they had to set down in... Give me that one again, Max
A rooster? Oh, Aroostook
Aroostook And where is Aroostook supposing to be it shouldn't happen?
It's in the general neighborhood of Nova Scotia
And from this general neighborhood, maybe you can tell me
how tonight at philharmonic he is a concert conducting?
By "telewision, ''I am presuming.
Is it a very bad fog?
- Make him tell me the truth, Hugo - Of course it ain't
- Don't worry, honey - [Man] It's hardly a fog at all, madam.
It's... It's more of a mist, really More of a...
- Yes, Max? - Just something to make the engines run better
- Don't worry, darling - Correction, please
- [Woman] What is it? - It was not Aroostook It was Antigonish
And where is this mudhole, if I ain't too optimistic?
In the general neighborhood of Nova Scotia, I believe
- [Hugo] What a neighborhood - Hugo, do try to find out
- Correction, please - Shh
It turns out it wasn't Antigonish after all.
It was Apohaqui And it didn't get there, it left there
- Apohaqui! - Then where is it now?
In the general neighborhood of Nova Scotia Where else?
[Man] Far, far from it, my friend.
As a matter of fact, there it is, coming in
- Hooray! - Directly behind you right now
- What an airline - There is one reassuring thing about airplanes
- they always come down - Come on, stupid
[Bell Dings]
[Hugo] Am I glad to see you, Alfie. Again Wolfgang is sick.
So our concert got to be shoved up Tonight we are giving it yet
Did you think of me every night?
Of course I did, my love
Did you take my picture to bed with you?
Of course I did, my darling
Are they kidding? If she wasn't my own sister, I'd have a name for her that'd make...
Dream of me after you went to sleep?
Every single night, my love
- Only I... I didn't sleep very well - Will somebody get me an ice pack?
Put 'em back on your nose and learn something
At least did you get some rest on the plane last night?
- Frankly, not a particle - Oh
Then I'm going to take you right straight home
put you into a nice hot tub...
I really don't think they ought to do this in public
Of course, it's better to do it in public than not to do it at all
[Woman] And then we'll have our little nap.
And then I'll wake you up with a nice frosted bottle of brut champagne
I found same Pol Roger '34
- And then... - You see, some men just naturally
make you think of brut champagne
- With others, you think of prune juice - [Laughs]
You have nothing to laugh at
So then you'll go down and rehearse your men
- Oughtn't that to be time enough, Hugo? - Look...
it ain't as if you was a rehearser anyway
He's a hypnotist Out of what dogs have I seen him coax it out of
Of course it'll be soon enough. It's the men who really count.
All I do is wave a little wand a little, and out comes the music
A little magic wand, darling, dipped in a little stardust
[Bell Dings]
♪♪ ["Jingle Bells"]
- ♪♪[Cranks, Stops] - [Speaks Foreign Language]
Don't that drive you nuts, always leaving you hanging up on the meat hook like that?
[Man] I confess, it is quite irritating, sir.
I suppose I ought to wake him up if he's gonna see anyone before the concerts
Oh, give him a couple of minutes Ain't you ever been in love?
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, dee ♪
♪ Da, da, da, dee ♪
- ♪♪[Piano Continues] - [Knocking]
- I'm so sorry. - Oh, isn't it customary to knock before coming into a bedroom?
- Or am I just old-fashioned? - I did knock, Sir Alfred
- Extremely sorry I didn't hear you - I just wanted to make sure you were awake
and ask you what to do about the morning delegation of crackpots
Oh, dear
Among them a lady reporter who wants to know why you conduct with a stick
What's she expect me to use, an umbrella?
- She says Stokie uses just his hands - Ah, but they're so beautiful
So large So white So free and easy on the draw Mine look more like nutcrackers
- Here, darling - Thank you, sweetheart
She also wants to know why you conduct from a score
Because I can actually read music. I also play an instrument, the flageolet.
- Don't forget to tell her that - Certainly, Sir Alfred.
- I'll get you a light - Thanks
Also, Mr Pedasta, your concert master, would like to discuss with you
the fingering in the fourth, fifth and sixth bars before letter "H"...
in the Tannhäuser overture
Oh, dear The fingering's standard What's the matter with him?
He says because it's the Paris version with the Venusberg music
- Do you want the French fingering? - That old story
Tell Mr Pedasta I'll walk with him to the rehearsal and discuss it on the way
- I've got to get dressed now - Certainly, Sir Alfred.
Then there is a citizen who wants you to endow
the De Carter Foundation for the Diffusion of Serious Music
Well, throw him out Nothing serious about music
It should be enjoyed flat on the back with a sandwich in one hand
and a bucket of beer in the other and as many pretty girls around as possible
- Oh, Tony, if you repeat one word of this stuff - I won't
You know, the only trouble with you is I never feel like getting up
I never feel like getting dressed
I never feel like going out into the world to wrestle it and bring it to its knees
I think the successful, energetic men must all have been married to women who looked like...
Oh Well, I will now leap into a cold shower
- [Doorbell Buzzes] - I'll take it
Some flowers for Lady de Carter
- Oh, how nice - [Hugo] I'll take 'em.
Say... Oh, there you are
- Give him a dollar, Hugo - A dollar?
Well, it's only 62 and one-half cents, you know, at the moment
- There's 62 and a half cents for you - Thank you, Sir Alfred
I'll pretend it's a dollar
- [Speaking Foreign Language] - I wonder who sent her these
Why don't you grab yourself a look and treat yourself to a surprise?
'Cause it's none of my business They're probably from some poor devil
who was madly in love with her, nearly perished when she married me
and once a year, on the anniversary of their last farewell
sends her this little bunch of snapdragons
- Or could they be hollyhocks? - In this box it could be a skeleton
- He could've sent himself - Don't be gruesome, Hugo
- Oh, I see they came, Sir Alfred - Hmm?
I tried to get all long-stemmed roses
but they must have filled out with a few chrysanthemums
Oh, these are the flowers that I... Lovely!
That you asked me to send on the way in this morning
- Of course - I scratched out the name on one of your cards
and wrote instead, "For my love"
Remarkably efficient Thank you very much
And have this razor honed for me, will you?
- It's duller than one of my brother-in-law's jokes - Certainly, Sir Alfred
- Mr Henschler is on his way up, by the way - Oh, what does he want?
- He did not inform me - I've already seen him once today
I mean, just 'cause he's married to my wife's sister doesn't entitle him to...
- Really, what a bore he is - Look, he's got one hundred million dollars
Don't be expecting also Mickey Mouse
I have a few million myself, you know It doesn't entitle me to...
You ain't got a hundred million It's that last zither that cooks the goose
That miser Every fur coat he gives his wife he inherited from his grandmother
Every pearl from his aunt Every diamond from his blasted...
- Stop You're breaking my heart - It's silly of me to allow him to annoy me so
but do I haunt his hotel constantly sending messages I'm on my way up to see him?
Do I use the vaguest of all relationships
two strangers who marry sisters, as a wedge for the purpose of...
Mr August Henschler, sir
Good morning again, August I've never seen you looking better
- Well, I, uh... - Do you want to see me alone or in committee?
Or is it really necessary for you to see me at all?
Well, if it wouldn't be too much trouble... Good morning.
How do you do? Remember, you have a lot of other jerks
waiting for you in front room after you get through in here
I'll take the razor down to the barbershop
Now, my dear August, what happy updraft wafts you hither?
Thank you Now let me see How to begin
- At the beginning - [Chuckles] Yes, quite so
You are no doubt aware, Alfred, that I have a deep sense of family obligation
I wasn't aware of it, but I'm willing to take your word for it
- We are brothers-in-law, aren't we? - I'm afraid we are
There's not a blasted thing we can do about it
Oh? It may come as quite a shook to you to realize that I don't actually relish
being your brother-in-law any more than you relish being mine
- No? - Yes
In the first place, I hate music, which doesn't relieve me from having to snore
through every confounded soiree that you promulgate
- Soiree - Precisely
And in the second place, I am embarrassed about the product
that your family made its money out of
- And in the third place... - Just as good as sucking mortgages, if you should happen to ask me
It may be, but I prefer mortgages And lastly, as a humble American
the only titles that I have any use for
are in my vault in the Guaranty Title and Trust Company
I see Well, you have my deepest sympathy, August
but I am a baronet, I am a bandleader
and my family's product has kept England on time since Waterloo
There it is Now, if I may inquire again for the reason for this happy visitation
I'll come to the point at once When you left for England
and asked me to keep an eye on your wife during your absence...
- Keep an eye on my wife? - I naturally accepted in the same spirit
that I'd expect you to display had I asked you to keep an eye on my wife
- while taking off, let us say, for Zanzibar - When are you leaving?
- I said "if" - Oh
What I didn't know, and I don't see very well how I could have
was that my dear mother, who is probably public hypochondriac number one
would wire me the same day asking me to join her in Palm Beach
- because of a slight indisposition - Oh, I'm distressed to hear it
I suppose she's related to me also in some way
- So faintly it's hardly worth mentioning - Good
- I'm sorry anyway - Oh, we're quite used to it
If it isn't one part of her that's ailing, it's another
And she seems to have so many parts, for a woman of her age, that is
However, to return to our muttons... you asked me to keep an eye on your wife
and I assure you that had it been possible for me to do so, I would gladly have done so
I don't doubt it for a second But if it was any trouble, or inconvenient in any way...
Nothing is too much trouble for the busy man
If you ever want anything done, always ask the busy man The others never have time
Now, you asked me to keep an eye on your wife, and I assure you that...
You keep repeating "keep an eye on your wife," as if it had some special meaning
I don't know that you're leading up to, but for some reason I feel my back hair rising
Well, you see Alfred, being a little nearsighted, I couldn't keep an eye on her from Palm Beach
Nevertheless, I did not fail you
Again, something's happening to my back hair
I don't recollect saying anything to you at the airport except possibly good-bye
But if I did say keep an eye on my wife for me, I meant see if she's lonely some evening
And if she is, take her to the movies, you and Barbara
But you didn't say that You said, "Keep an eye on my wife for me"
Well, supposing I did, how could you do it from Palm Beach?
- With detectives - With detectives
With detectives! You stuffed moron!
Control yourself, Alfred Control yourself This is entirely uncalled for Kindly release my scarf
You dare to inform me you had vulgar footpads in snap-brim fedoras
sluicing after my beautiful wife?
I believe it's called "sleuthing" Kindly let go of my shirt You're tearing it
There's nothing to be so upset about I merely had her tailed
You merely had her what? I give you my solemn word, August
if I don't regain control of myself in a few minutes, concert or no concert
I'll take this candelabrum, and I'll beat that walnut you use for a head into a nutburger
- I believe they're called - Please try to k-k-keep cool, Alfred
K-K-Keep cool, Alfred, my sainted aunt! I am outraged!
- Please, Alfred - Low as my opinion has always been of you
little as I ever expected of chivalry or even common dignity
today you've sunk below even yourself
This is the sewer, the nadir of good manners
I really think you're exaggerating a little, Alfred
I've always used detectives to some extent, and so has my whole family
One of my aunts even married one, although I admit she was elderly at the time
Then your whole family is contaminated No man who employs detectives should ever be disappointed
I hope every time you've engaged these vermin...
you've discovered that you had antlers out to here, that you were the laughingstock of the city
that you came crawling out of the agency, your face aflame
your briefcase stuffed with undeniable evidence of your multiple betrayal
dishonor dripping from your ears like garlands of seaweed
I forgive your insults on the grounds that you are excited
I forbid you to forgive me anything on any grounds whatsoever
and I may still punch you in the nose at any instant!
Get out of here and never speak to me again unless it's in some public place
where your silence might cause comment or embarrassment to our wives!
Oh, dear
I don't imagine that you'd be much interested in the operator's report
- Yes, I would! - Although it contained a couple of passages
- that I, for one... - That you for one what?
Now get out of here before I do the same to you
I suppose I'll see you at the concert this evening I've already bought two tickets
I suppose so I'm usually there on the nights I conduct
I see
[Door Opens, Closes]
[Clattering]
What is that supposed to be? You angel
It's supposed to contain flowers It might easily turn out to be a rowing machine
[Sighs] You sweet love
Well, I just wonder where we're going to find anything big enough to put them in
- I wonder if the kitchen would have anything - You really do love me, don't you?
- What? - You really do love me, don't you?
I don't know what I'd be doing here if I didn't
I don't either
By the way, you didn't do anything you shouldn't while I was away, did you?
I mean, like, falling in love with anyone else, or anything like that
How could I fall in love with anyone else when you took my heart with you?
No man ever had a better answer than that
Will you meet me at La Lotte's about 1:00 on the way to lunch?
- La Lotte's? What for? - 'Cause you haven't a thing to wear
I'd like to buy you a little something Would you do that for me?
- But, darling, I have closets full of... - And then lunch with me?
[Sighs] Of course I will But I don't really need a thing
- I have... - It says here in very small type
- I'll see you at La Lotte's - All right, darling
♪♪[Classical]
♪♪[Surges]
♪♪[Ends]
[Alfred] And now, gentlemen, merely to follow the wishes clearly expressed by the composer...
pizzicato con molto vibrato.
Like a dentist chipping out an old filling.
- [Laughing] - ♪♪ [Resumes]
♪♪ [Humming With Melody]
Keep playing, gentlemen I don't want to waste your time
- Dr Schultz - Yes, Sir Alfred?
Yours is my favorite instrument in the entire orchestra
I've been looking at you, but I can't hear you
I was afraid of being a little loud, Sir Alfred You know, vulgar
As a small boy I was learned always never to be vulgar
Be vulgar, by all means, but let me hear that brazen laugh
♪♪[Cymbals Crash]
[Chuckling]
[Laughing]
- ♪♪[Continues, Faint] - Okay Follow your nose to first door
open door, walk through, come to wall, stop
♪♪ [Humming With Melody]
Shh
♪♪[Cymbals Crash]
♪♪ [Ends]
Splendid, gentlemen Splendid It's already much too good for them
[Laughing]
Besides which I've got an appointment with a beautiful young lady
- I'll see you later - [Chattering]
♪♪ [Humming]
This gentleman says he has something for you
- He's from the hotel - And I ain't a gentleman I'm the detective there
- You remember me, don't you, Sir Alfred? - Yes, I think I've seen you skulking around
You're what's known as the house dick, aren't you?
That's me Can I see you alone a minute?
I suppose so I shan't enjoy it
[Sighs] Hot work
I'd like to make this alone, if it's all the same to you, buddy
Oh, very well
- [Man] Beautiful music, sir. - [Alfred] Thank you.
Just beautiful
Thank you very much, Jules
Now what do you want? I'm sorry to sound sharp
but I feel extremely unsympathetic towards all detectives this morning
All in the line of duty for me, boss
Just shows you the kind of service we're giving you at the Towers, that's all
We don't know just how it got in the hall We're investigating that
But we found it and saved it for you
It's a detective's operator's report
- I glued it together myself - I see
- You, uh, read it, I presume? - Just enough to glue it together
I see You concluded that when I tear papers up into small bits
and throw the bits into a wastebasket and kick the wastebasket out of the door
it's because I wish to keep the papers that go to make up the document, correct?
Well, we didn't know, Sir Alfred The head maid seen this basket come flying out
and she called me, and I just used my own judgment, that's all
Very astute Do you customarily shove your nose this deep into other people's business?
- Look, boss, as far as I'm concerned... - Have you a match, at least?
- Huh? - A match One of those little wooden things
that you strike on the side of a box
- Yes, sir - Light it, please
Yes, sir
Now get it going well That's fine
Now hold it steady
- Nix, boss - You see? It was very important to me
Cut it out, boss Take it easy, will you?
- I hope you don't know any way of bringing it back to life this time - No, sir
Now watch closely
You see? Now why don't you go back to your work at the hotel
There may be some important things for you to do
like spying on decent people through looking through keyholes
and standing on ladders and picking through the garbage
Look, boss, I'm sorry I only meant to...
- Look out! - [Fire Roaring]
[Groaning] Ow! Ow! I'll get something
- You'd better come out, Jules There's been a bit of trouble here - I'll get the extinguisher, sir
[Chattering]
[Alarm Blaring]
[Yelling]
Turn on the water!
I am turning it on
[No Audible Dialogue]
Watch what you're doing!
- [Siren Blaring] - I'll be careful
Bring it over here
Not over there! Over here!
- I've got it! - [Yelling]
Wonderful Beautiful
Would you take the telephone, please? It's Sir Alfred
- Oh, thank you - What a lollipop
Hello Hello, sweetie love Where are you? You're late
I'm dreadfully sorry There's been a little excitement down here
I'll join you as soon as I get into some dry trousers
Darling, I can't hear a thing you're saying with all those bells going off
Some silly ass set fire to my dressing room
Uh, who'd you say set fire to it?
No He set fire to it himself
- Insurance - Oh, shh
I said if you see anything pretty, be sure to buy it
- But I don't want to buy anything - Well, buy several
It's always nice to have a change And I've told Tony to pick you up for lunch
Are you the party that started this "confloration"?
YesJust one minute, Colonel I've just got to answer some questions, darling
There's a nobleman in a white hat waiting outside the booth for me
You didn't get in any trouble, did you? I'll come right over
- You didn't get burned? - What are you talking...
On the contrary, I'm sloshing wet, and I don't think I'm in the slightest trouble
Uh, I'll be with you in one second, General
Good-bye, my darling I'll join you at the earliest possible moment
♪♪[Classical]
- Hello, Annie - Hello, Sir Alfred
Thank you
[Chattering, Laughing]
- Hello, Louie Is my bride here? - Certainly, Sir Alfred She's in 44
- [No Audible Dialogue] - Hi, darling
- I think I'll have a quick brandy - Certainly, Sir Alfred
- I was in a slight fire - Sir?
- Put that on my check, will you? - Yes, sir
- [Man] Conduisez monsieur au 44 - Thank you
- [Man] Sir Alfred. - Hello, Josef
What are you two doing here? Why aren't you all lunching together?
- We didn't wish to intrude - They look so cute together
Well, why shouldn't they look cute together?
See you later, pretty one
May I?
Oh Excuse me
♪♪[Continues]
- So sorry, my darling - Ah
- Thank you so much, Tony, for bringing her - Not at all, Sir Alfred
- Thank you - I was simply famished, sweetie love I had to eat
And you were awful to buy me those dresses, and I adore you for it
Tell me about the fire Did you burn down the whole thing or only the back half?
Sorry to disappoint you... it was just a curtain and part of a venetian blind
I think they broke the leg off a piano It was very unimportant
Why aren't Barbara and August sitting with you?
I haven't the slightest idea They seemed quite cool
- They seemed or he seemed? - They both seemed
- What's she got to be cool about? - What's he got to be cool about?
That's another matter He may have misunderstood something I said, taken it the wrong way
- ByJove - What's the matter, darling?
Excuse me one second, darling I'll be right back
Excuse me, Barbara, I'vejust had a...sit down... revolting thought, August.
Would those people who shall be nameless be apt to have additional copies
of that which I did you know what with this morning?
- 'Cause I will not have them around - Uh...
If you can figure that out, you're smarter than I think you are
Why not forget the whole thing, Alfred, and concentrate on your music?
I will tell them to dispose of those things at the earliest opportunity
I'll tell them myself Give me one of their cards
- I suppose you carry them around with you in case of emergency - I...
[Barbara] What's all the mystery? Did he...
The mystery is you're married to a square from Delaware, if you're familiar with the appellation.
That's no mystery The whole world knows it
- There you are, Alfred, but I still think that... - Thank you very much indeed
Thank you
Well, what's the matter with him? He's getting nuttier than you are
You weren't challenging August to a duel, were you, darling?
- I saw you passing cards around - A duel?
I'll take him by the back of the neck and drop him into a dustbin
I've just remembered something I've got to attend to at once, so if you'll excuse me...
- Take care of lunch, Tony - But you haven't had anything to eat, darling
I don't want anything to eat at the moment
Perhaps you'll have a sandwich for me at the hotel later
Of course I will You're all nervous, darling It's that plane flight
I feel a lot better already I'll see you in a little while, my love
All right, dearest
[Car Horn Honking]
[Car Door Closing]
[Buzzer Buzzes]
- You are Mr Sweeney? - Who me?
Why not O'Brien? What do you want to see him about?
About business, I suppose I suppose you'd call this a business
- Well, what would you call it? - I'd call it a criminal invasion
of the rights of decent people...
an assault upon the very privacy which is the cornerstone of self-respect...
an infamous pursuit without shame or ethics...
a vile calling, masquerading in the cloak of respectability...
but actually sprung from the cesspools ofhumanity.
- Look, mister... - Seepage of civilization
- Does that answer your question? - Look, mister, I'm the tailor from next door
I'm just here to eat my lunch
I mean, I was trying to eat my lunch and answer the telephone
A favor, that's all
With much of what you got to say... and believe me
whatever you are doing, you are wasting your time
you should be in Congress... confidentially I agree
but what good is that going to do you?
About a blue serge suit, my opinion is worth something
- But from ethics... - Then where is the director of this enterprise?
Here he is now climbing Tell him
- Good day - Good day
[Buzzer Buzzes]
A gentleman to see you, Ed
[Buzzer Buzzes]
- You at last are Mr. Sweeney, I trust. - And you are Sir Alfred de Carter
How I've looked forward to this moment, Sir Alfred
I was at your maiden concert in this country... your "de-butt"...down there at Aeolian Hall
People said, "What do you want to hear that limey for?
"What does he know about music?
It takes an Italian or a Russian or a Dutchman to bring it out good"
But something inside of me said, "Give the limey a chance"
- And I did - Did you?
And am I glad I did That hunch has paid off in golden dividends
I've never missed one of your concerts... within the metropolitan area, of course
I'm no millionaire, and I can't afford to travel around the country after you
to South Dakota and places like that
Here's to the world's greatest living conductor
This is hardly what I came to see you about, Mr...
The way you handle Handel, Sir Alfred
For me there's nobody handles Handel like you handle Handel
- Really? - There's you up here
And then there's nobody... no second, no third
Maybe way down here Arturo... a poor fourth
That is largely debatable In any case, what I came to see you about...
And your Delius... delirious
I usually have my tickets as soon as they're printed
That change in schedule loused me up a little, but I'll get in somehow
I'm bitterly sorry to hear that you're a music lover
I live for music Without music I wouldn't...
I had always hoped that music had a certain moral and antiseptic power
quite apart from its obvious engorgement of the senses
which elevated and purified its disciples...
- lifting them out of professions like this infamy - You're just hurt I can see it
- Oh, Sir Alfred... - So spare me your compliments
The flattery of a footpad is an insult in itself
[Chuckles] You mean a flatfoot, don't you, Sir Alfred?
- You don't mean a footpad - I mean a footpad!
And now that I know that you like them, I shall probably cut Handel and Delius out of my program forever
- Don't talk like that - Please refrain from mentioning any other of your musical favorites
and poisoning those for me also!
You're just hurt I can see it
You read that report, and naturally it upset you
Aw, we fall for these little dames and try to believe they're in love with us
when every morning our shaving mirror yells, "They can't be"
till one day we find out that youth belongs to youth, like you just done
- And then... - Take your hands off me!
Aw, don't be sore at me What have I got to do with it?
I suppose it was me that went down to 3406 in the middle of the night
wearing only a negligee and stayed for 38 minutes
I suppose that's the part that bothered you
It usually is
3406
Yeah, I think that was the number
I got it here someplace if you want it
But it's only circumstantial evidence
- Why don't we give her the benefit of the doubt? - [Drawers Rattling]
Maybe she couldn't open her toothpaste You was in England
so she goes down and gets this guy to do it for her
Or maybe she seen a mouse in her room, and it upset her and she wanted company
Aw, of course, that one's kind of thin
Aw, why don't we give her the benefit of the doubt anyway?
Maybe she woke up out of a bad dream, and without thinking
where she was going, slipped into a negligee and...
Are you presuming to discuss Lady de Carter, my wife?
Well... Well, you read it, didn't you?
Oh, I thought that's why Henschler said he wanted...
Holy Moses
Uh... Here, sit down someplace
- Is this the only copy? - Yeah, that's the original
You're a wise man I been through it
Only I wasn't as smart as you are
So I lost my piano and my savings
and a little shack I had down at the beach...
and her
So what have I got now?
Maybe I shouldn't be saying it, but if it was me
I'd never have 'em tailed
I'd never try to find out nothing
I'd just be grateful for whatever they was willing to give me...
a year, a week, an hour
[Buzzer Buzzes]
For tonight
- [Door Closes] - [Footsteps Departing]
Sir Alfred
I'm sure I would know about it, sweetie, although this joint is a little like Grand Central Station
- Well, I just thought he might be, that's all - Well, I'm sure he isn't
But wait a minute I'll go and ask Casanova
- Oh - Daphne wants to know if you've seen Alfred
- He seems to have disappeared - No, I haven't
But we're not exactly on the best of terms anyway, so...
Okay
No, he isn't, sweetie There's nobody here but Sitting Bull counting his money in the other room
What time do you want us to pick you up?
If he doesn't show up pretty soon, there may not be any concert
Wait a minute.
The great man is just coming in now
Make it about 7.30, will you, darling?
That is, unless we want to get some hamburgers or something on the way.
Okay. You do whatever you like.
Oh, and what fur are you going to wear? So that I won't wear the same
Right Okay, baby Bye
Darling, what happened to you? Tony and I have been awfully worried
I finally had to send him to get dressed anyway
- Really? - [Sighs]
I've had your nice sandwich all ready, and...
and the ice all ready for your drink
and the bed all ready for your nap
Where have you been? I... I bet you've been out with some girls
Girls, hah!
Well, then where have you been, darling? Honestly, I've been awfully worried
- I've been to the movies - The movies?
I saw a very long picture about a dog
the moral of which was that a dog is a man's best friend
And a companion feature which questioned the necessity of marriage for eight reels
- and then concluded it was essential in the ninth. - Alfred
Also something about "time marching on" and a newsreel of the royal family
christening something extremely out of focus...
a lot of people being saved from a sinking freighter
and a cat which had its kittens in a harmonium
which made ghostly music and frightened a Harlem congregation nearly out of its wits
- You feel quite hot - I feel anything but quite hot!
Well, why didn't you take me to the movies? I love the movies
Because there are times when a man wishes to be alone
This was one of those times Any further questions?
Well, no, of course not, darling
- I hate dry white bread - I'm sorry
Oh, would you like me to run a nice hot bath for you?
Do I appear to need one?
Well, no, of course you don't, darling I...
If I decide that I need a nice hot bath, I will draw one
If I don't, I won't
Alfred, you're going to make me cry
Oh, darling, please, eat some of your sandwich anyway, won't you?
You can't go all day and all night without eating
Thank you for your solicitude
I hate breast of turkey
Oh Oh
[Crying]
[Crying Continues]
Good evening, Sir Alfred
[Man] Come in.
Sir Alfred
Was there something, Sir Alfred?
♪♪[Clock. ''jingle Bells'']
♪♪ [Cranks, Stops]
[Door Opens]
[Sighs] I don't know what's the matter with you
And I don't know what's the matter with my zipper either
Will you see if you can close it for me?
Turn around
[Grunts]
Suck in a little
[Gasps, Screams]
What's the matter with you? That's a fine thing
- I'll have to change into something else - Change into something else!
You aren't suffering from any shortage The women of England would be lucky to have one dress
- What's that to do with me? - You are married to an Englishman
I didn't ask you to buy me all these dresses I can't stop you from buying me dresses
You're always saying meet me at so-and-so's and I'll buy you a dress You know you do
If you're so worried about how Englishwomen are dressed
there's nothing to stop you from sending them all to them instead
It wouldn't make any difference to me I don't like clothes!
- I've sent the women of England plenty! - Then shut up about it
- I forbid you to speak to your husband in that tone! - That's right Strike me, you brute
- So, you don't dare - Go and get dressed for the concert
This is certainly going to be the most magnificent concert!
- Maybe I'll go to the movies instead - Culturally that might suit you better
And I thought my sister had married the jerk!
Oh... Oh, give me that zipper!
Ohh!
[Door Slams]
[Whistle Blowing]
- [Car Horn Honking] - [Chattering]
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Whistle Blowing]
Next aisle over The usher will give you a program
Straight ahead, please
Last aisle over The usher will give you a program
It is remarkable how many people will pay out good money for this sort of thing.
Give me the quiet fireside and an overstuffed chair
- It isn't quite so quiet when you start snoring - Barbara
Five and six
[People Chuckling]
- You ever been in love, Jules? - Oh, devotedly, sir
Hmm
What would you do if you discovered that your wife had, uh...
this is purely hypothetical, of course...
had, uh... I wish I could think of a softer word...
uh, been untrue to you?
Untrue to me, sir? Oh, I think it's most unlikely
First of all, where would she find anybody, sir?
And in the second place, if she'd wanted somebody better looking than me
she could've had him easy enough
- I was awful ugly when I was young, sir - [Knocking]
- Three minutes, Sir Alfred - Thanks, Herbert
[Door Closes]
Look! Look!
- ♪♪[Orchestra Tuning] - [No Audible Dialogue]
Why don't you be more careful? Why don't you look what you're doing?
Thank you, Jules Here we go
[Applause]
- [Applause Subsides] - [Clapping]
♪♪ [Classical]
♪♪ ["Jingle Bells"]
♪♪[Cranks, Stops]
♪♪[Classical Continues]
I, uh, trust you enjoyed the concert
I thought you were wonderful, darling
Thank you I felt quite inspired tonight
I know it sounds absurd, but did you have a peculiar feeling
that you were watching me conduct for the last time?
For the last time?
Women get premonitions about things sometimes...
such as if their husbands are going to die or...
or even that they are going to, uh, pass on, I believe it's called
in refined circles, or things of that nature
Why should I have any thoughts like that?
Well, it could have been the music, which does strange things sometimes
- Very strange things - ♪♪[Classical Continues]
You know, after all this somber music of mine
I think you ought to hear something a little lighter, something gayer
something a little nearer your age as a sort of antidote
How would you like to go dancing?
Oh, wouldn't that be wonderful
Yes Wouldn't it?
I've got to talk to Hugo about the South American tour for a while
I might be able to join you later Certainly I'll try very hard
Join who later?
Oh, you and whoever's fortunate enough to take you dancing
At my expense, of course
I insist upon paying
Oh, I don't think I should like to go dancing without you
I can't think of anyone I'd care to go out with
Think hard
I am thinking hard, but I... I can't think of anybody
What about Tony?
Tony?
- Oh, you mean Tony - [Chuckles]
Well, why should I want to go out with Tony?
I merely suggested Tony because he's my secretary and therefore convenient
'cause he's a fine-looking young man and you must look well together, especially dancing
and because, uh, being seen with him
since it's well known that he is my secretary, would cause no raised eyebrows
or remarks behind the napkins
and finally because he has my complete confidence
Oh, but he's such a bore
Oh, he's obviously not as amusing as I am
[Laughs]
I'm not asking you to fall in love with the young man
I'm only asking you to let him take you dancing
Well, if you really want me to
I really want you to
I don't suppose there could be much harm to it
How could there be?
I'll go and call him then
- Do you know his room number? - ♪♪[Classical Continues]
I could get it from the operator, I guess
Oh, yes Of course
Now, what will you wear?
Oh, do you think I should change just for Tony?
Tony's a very handsome young man You mustn't talk about him in that way
- I never noticed it - I'm sure you haven't
Nevertheless, I'd wear something younger, something a little less conservative
It's not as though you were going out with, uh, me
Oh, you mean like that purple one with the plumes at the hips?
Yes Why not the one with the plumes at the hips?
Now go and call Tony and tell him to pick you up in, uh
15 minutes exactly
And then put on the purple one with the plumes at the hips
- Run along - All right, darling
Thank you
♪♪[Classical Continues]
Help Help
Help!
Stop! Tony, stop!
[Alfred On Recording] Help Help
[Changes To High-pitched Female Voice] Help! Stop! Tony, stop!
Oh! Oh!
[Groaning]
Help! Murder! Police!
Murder! [Loud Groan]
[Chuckles]
No, I tell you It was his own idea [Giggles]
You're sure you... you won't mind, Tony?
Sure it won't be too, too much trouble?
♪♪[Classical Continues]
[Chuckles]
All right, honey
He said in 15 minutes exactly, but...
Well, that was about five minutes ago
So if you're in any hurry
Uh-huh
Mm-hmm!
♪♪[Continues]
[Screams] Alfred, stop, please!
Oh, forgive me, Alfred. [Screams]
- [Laughing] - No! No!
[Screaming]
[Screams]
Stop, Alfred!
[Cackling]
♪♪[Continues]
- [Knocking] - Come in.
Good evening
Ah, there you are, my boy
Extremely kind and devoted of you to take my place for tonight with Daphne
Which I hardly presume amuses you, as no doubt you like older women
[Both Laughing]
You know as I told you when I first engaged you
24 hours a day and not a minute less would be the least I would need you
I'm very glad to be of service, Sir Alfred Any service any time
I don't doubt it for an instant, my boy
Maybe I can do something for you someday Who knows?
Darling, Tony's here
Ah, she didn't hear me
But you know what women are like when they're dressing
and putting on something extra special to go dancing with handsome young men like you
I wish I hadn't got to talk business with Hugo You are lucky
However...
Oh, I don't think the barber did an awfully good job on that razor
- You did ask him to hone it, didn't you? - Of course I did Have you tried it?
- Well, not actually, but... - Of course, I don't know much about these old-fashioned razors
Naturally Not at your age
Isn't there something about taking a hair from your head?
Yes, that's right
Oh, that's splendid
No, no, no, no Hold the... Hold the blade in your hand
Along your hand
That's right Hold it firm
That's fine Now, run the... run the hair along the razor's edge
- It cut it - ByJove, I am surprised
That must be sharp enough for almost anything [Chuckles]
Now put it away in the case, and, uh, not a word to the barber
I don't want him to cut my throat next time I go down there [Laughs]
- [Laughs] - Thank you very much
I must be off I don't want to keep Hugo waiting
Maybe I'd just better tell Daphne you're here
Sometimes these girls keep you waiting all night
- Darling, Tony's waiting - ♪♪[Continues]
♪♪ [Boogie-woogie]
Good night, darling
Well, now she's playing music She won't be long
She's put on a wonderful gown for you, Tony
- Purple with plumes at the hips - I am lucky.
Yes, I think you'll be quite bowled over when first you see her in it
But don't be impatient It's really quite worth waiting for
- Good night - Good night
Thank you so much again
♪♪[Boogie-woogie Continues]
Good night
♪♪[Classical Continues]
Thank you
- Good evening - Good evening, Sir Alfred
Have you seen anything of my manager, Mr Hugo Standoff?
- Well, no, I ain't, boss, but, uh... - I'll ask the operator Maybe he's called Thank you
Good evening
- Oh, good evening, Sir Alfred - Been any calls for me?
- I've been expecting my manager, Mr Hugo Standoff - No, Sir Alfred I haven't had any
- Maizie, have you had any calls? - No, I haven't, Sir Alfred
He should be here by now
There's been plenty of time
[Screaming]
Help! Stop!
- [Woman] Number, please - Daphne!
- Oh! Oh! - [Gasps]
Stop! Tony! Oh!
Daphne! Daphne!
- What is it? - Wait a minute It's your apartment, Sir Alfred
It's Lady Daphne She's calling for help
She said, "Tony, stop! Tony!" [Screams]
- Do something! Do something! - Stop, Tony! Stop!
- What's the matter? - Call the police Quick, follow me upstairs
No, Tony! Police! Murder!
[Tony] Daphne! Daphne!
Get the police, quick! I want a policeman
There's been a murder!
Oh, Tony Tony, what have you done?
I tell you I had nothing to do with it You know that, Sir Alfred
- ♪♪ [Swing] - Somebody turn off that lousy music
- Yes - But, Sir Alfred, you know I speak the truth
- ♪♪ [Stops] - I was just where you left me waiting for her when I heard the screaming
- Then I ran in here - Oh, Tony, Tony
What's that on the floor?
Oh, it's the razor
- Don't touch that Might have fingerprints on it - [Tony Sobbing]
Oh, Tony, Tony What have you done?
The sentence of the court is that you are to be taken from this place...
to a lawful prison and thence to a place of execution
No, I didn't do it! I didn't do it! No!
- I didn't do it! - [Laughing Uproariously]
♪♪[Classical Continues]
[Laughs]
♪♪ [Ends]
Bravo!
[Tony] Bravo!
Hooray!
- Bravo! - Bravo!
[Tony] Bravo!
- Never - What?
Never since the "inwention''of that most beautiful of all musical instruments...
- Come on, Jules - the symphony orchestra...
has it been played like you just done
- Don't flatter me - Flatter you?
Compared to the truth, I am insulting you.
What did you have in your head? What visions of eternity?
Armageddon, the final battle of the planets and the end of creation...
to bring music like that from that bunch of cat scratchers?
You'd be enormously surprised if you knew, Hugo.
[Chattering]
[Applause]
Hooray! Hooray!
Oh!
- [Applause Continues] - I'll get them
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Applause Subsides]
♪♪ [Somber Classical]
♪♪[Classical Continues]
- Poor baby - Why?
'Cause you know that I know
You can feel it It's made you all small and ashamed and unhappy
As if we could control our love... lead it by the hand like an obedient child
and order it to do our bidding
I don't know what you're talking about
Yes, you know what I'm talking about
'Cause love took you by the hand and led you
albeit shyly and reluctantly, into the presence of this beautiful young man and said
"See, little Daphne, what I had intended for you
"Gaze upon your destiny
"See how gently the tendrils of his lustrous hair curl behind his ears
"See how respectfully he lowers his silken lashes when addressing you
But notice the spark that leaps from his skin to yours when accidentally your hands meet"
Oh, no No
I don't blame you, darling
- You didn't want to - ♪♪[Classical Continues]
I'm the one to blame
Entirely and alone
I'm deeply ashamed, Daphne, for what I've done to you
You? Ashamed?
- I'm the one - No, darling
The one who knows the most carries the responsibility
He, and he alone, must judge the chances of success
or failure
A union between a man of the world... a seasoned traveler...
and a child from Porthole, Michigan
I suppose was doomed from the start
Porthaul
I'll never remember it
A baby with bows in her hair
That wonderful night
- Pity we couldn't keep it up - [Daphne Sobs]
Oh, don't cry, my darling
I couldn't understand music as well as I do
if I didn't understand the human heart a little
Neither of you has done anything wrong
Youth belongs to youth
And beauty to beauty
I want you to be rich, comfortable and free
I don't want you to have to worry about
rent or clothing or food
Any of the unromantic things which should always be provided for you
♪♪[Classical Continues]
That little head was never made to worry
Nor these little hands to work
Only to love
To love so dearly
♪♪[Continues]
- ♪♪ [Ends] - [Applause]
[Audience Shouting]
[Blows]
[Cheering]
Hooray!
Magnificent
[Man] Bravo!
- [Applause Increases] - Bravo! Bravo!
[Daphne] Oh, darling.
Darling, I simply couldn't wait until the end
I had to tell you now how wonderful it is It's just wonderful
- Absolutely wonderful - I'm relieved to hear it
Personally, I thought every emotion was enormously exaggerated
- Darling, it was just wonderful - Yes, you've already said that... both of you
- If you'll forgive me, I've got a dry shirt waiting - Can I help you, darling?
I've gotJules for that, thank you
Why... Why, you...
- Oh, come on - [Audience Chattering Softly]
- You look exceptionally pretty tonight - What did you say?
- I said you look exceptionally pretty tonight - I can't imagine why I should
- Maybe it's the music - With me music goes in one ear and out the other
- Oh, there you are - How is he?
I don't know what's the matter with him tonight
Too much temperament Give me the simple viewpoint
- You've got it, boy You don't have to yearn for it - Barbara
[Applause]
[Cheering]
[Applause Subsides]
♪♪ [Dramatic Classical]
♪♪[Dramatic Classical Continues]
Well, what is it, Alfred?
First of all, I want to apologize to you both
for being so abrupt with you backstage at the concert
but somehow when you happen to be perfectly aware of the fact
- that your wife is your secretary's mistress... - [Gasps] Alfred
- Sir Alfred! - Didn't you know that I knew?
Don't try and hide behind Daphne, Tony You'll never hide from me
I... I... I don't know what you're talking about
You know precisely what I'm talking about, both of you
You've been dreading this moment, hoping against hope it would never happen
but knowing in your secret hearts that it would
And now the moment's arrived you're wondering what I'm going to do, aren't you?
Knowing that I hold all the cards and that the unwritten law will protect me to the end
I thought of killing you, my dear
I cut your throat with my razor Your head nearly came off
- Oh! - But it was your fingerprints they found on the razor, Tony
and you they burned, screaming your innocence
- [Both] Alfred - It's a relief to hear that in the past tense, isn't it?
Then, such is human idiocy, I forgave you
Wrote you an enormous check
Grew maudlin over the necessity of youth for youth
Where and why is this necessity? By what logic does it flourish?
What's so precious about the young female? [Chuckles]
No, no, Daphne
You shall have no money, and fate will decide which man you are to have
and how much of a man he is
- Here we have all the necessary apparatus for a genuinely amusing game, Tony - [Both Gasp]
Invented by some czarist officers who cared little for their lives
but much for bravery and the conquest of emotion
The idea is for each of us to pull the trigger once
aiming it at our own temples with a perfectly steady hand
- [Both Gasp] - Of the six bullets, I remove five
One only I put back in the cylinder
which I spin like this
for the lucky winner
The odds then are 1 -to-5 for, 5-to-1 against
Better than I've had in many a casino
So, you see, Tony, it's not really a very dangerous game at all
and will vouchsafe you a magnificent opportunity to show Daphne how brave you are
how icy cool in the face of this, uh, small adventure
- No - I'll spin it once more now, just in case you peeked
And then, as the seducer of my wife and the destroyer of my home
you shall have the honor of playing the first hand
of this enthralling little game called Russian roulette
- Oh, no - No!
- Exciting, isn't it? - Alfred, stop it Stop it
What a fuss we're making Here, Tony
No, no Not at me At your temple
That's right Now, cool and collected
with nerves of steel, with steady hand and cheerful eye
Mr Anthony Windborn, the celebrated wife-stealer, will demonstrate...
- Sir Alfred, please, no Sir Alfred, please! - Alfred, I beseech you
Can it be that I detect a thread of saffron in this otherwise perfect fabric?
Come, come, Tony You, the fearless cavalier? You hesitate?
Then watch me closely while I show you how it's done
I spin the wheel of fortune once more
You see? Then, with a rigidly steady hand
and without any quaverings or sniveling yammerings...
I would ask you to notice, Daphne... I place the muzzle here
And with a simple "Godspeed" in case I should be unfortunate
I pull the trigger...
- [No Audible Dialogue] - ♪♪[Classical Continues]
♪♪[Continues]
- ♪♪[Ends] - [Cheering]
[All] Bravo! Bravo!
Bravo!
[No Audible Dialogue]
[Cheering Continues]
[No Audible Dialogue]
Anybody there?
♪♪[Clock. ''jingle Bells'']
♪♪ [Cranks, Stops]
[Woman] Number, please
[Crunching]
[Glass Shards Clink]
Number, please.
Hello Who is this?
Some jerk on the line Hello Are you trying to get a number?
Number, pl...
[Muffled Snap]
- [Alfred Yelps] - [Crashing]
Are you trying to get a number?
- Did you want a number? - I don't want a number
What makes you think I want a number?
Number, please
I do not want a number!
Ah
[Crashes]
[Crashing]
[Groans]
[Glass Shards Crunching]
[Sighs]
[Sneezes]
[Crunching]
[Phone Ringing]
[Ringing Continues]
- [Daphne] Hello Hello? - [Gasping]
- Hello, who is this? - [Gasping]
- Sounds like a talking dog - [Sneezes]
- Oh - [All] What's the matter?
- Well, it sounded like an explosion - Hello Hello, Alfie Where are you?
Where do you think I am? Since I'm here answering the phone
- What happened to you? - Is he all right?
Yes, I merely felt a slight... [Gasping]
- Hello, Alfred We'll be right up - [Sneezes]
I don't want you up here Perhaps you'll be kind enough to send my wife home
if she's nothing better to do
He don't want nobody but you
- Then take me home quickly, Tony - Certainly
We'll take a cab
Is there any insanity in his family?
I don't know, but there's plenty in mine
[Buttons Clicking]
[Cranks]
[Feedback]
[Feedback Continues]
[Feedback Stops]
Help Help Oh!
Oh Oh
Oh
Help Help Oh! Oh!
- Aaah... - [Cranks]
Help Help Help!
Murder! Police!
Spare me! Spare me!
Tony, what did I ever do to you?
Tony Tony!
Help Help
Police! Murder!
[Alfred On Recording] Help Help
[Deep, Slow Voice] Help! Murder!
Police!
Spare me!
Tony, what did I ever do to you?
Tony. Tony!
[Deep Voice] Help! Help!
- Police! - Alfred?
Alfred, darling Darling, are you all right?
- Alfred, are you all right? - Why shouldn't I be all right?
What are you doing down here on the floor in the middle of all this disaster?
I was making an experiment People do, you know
Without them, there'd be very little progress in this world
I think I'm well within my own rights I'm doing what I like in my own house
They say in England that an Englishman's home is his castle
Of course you're within your rights, darling, but...
Well, you've made kind of a mess out of your castle
- [Sneezes] - Oh, bless you, darling
- [Tony Chuckles] - What are you laughing about? Did I invite you here?
Have you got to be in my house morning, noon and night?
Please go back to 3406 and wait till I send for you
- Certainly, Sir Alfred I was only... - Spare me your explanations until I ask for them
- What's he done? You're acting like a bear with a sore paw - That's right Side with him
- Well, why shouldn't I side with him? - I'll be in 3406
- Hmm Craven - Darling, let me feel your head
I don't wish to have my head felt, thank you
- Apart from marrying you, my head's been perfectly all right for quite a long time - [Gasps]
Alfred! Oh Oh
Alfred Heavens
- [Sneezes] - Bless you
Alfred, what in heaven's name is the matter with you?
I mean, even if you are a musician and an Englishman
don't you think that you're carrying things just a little bit too far?
I mean, you walk out with 2,000 people standing up and yelling for you
and you've completely wrecked the apartment and
now you've probably broken your glasses
You have
By the way, I will not be able to take you dancing tonight
Why? Who are you taking?
I mean you'll have to be taken by somebody else I have other plans
- Taken where? - Dancing
Who told you I wanted to go danc... uh, dancing?
You're coming down with a heavy cold, and I feel about as much like going dancing as...
Really Wouldn't you like to go dancing with Tony?
With Tony?
Have you ever seen Tony dance?
I saw him once with Barbara, and he gets up on his toes like a rooster
and he pushes you over sideways
and then he shoves your head back till you think it's gonna drop off
Why, compared to him, you look like Arthur Murray
- I don't need any compliments, thank you - You are not getting any
Besides, the way you've been acting tonight
I feel about as much like going dancing as I feel like cutting my throat
All I feel like doing is crying
How did you happen to use that simile?
What's a simile?
A simile is a...
[Sneezes]
Oh, bless you What you need to do is get out of that wet shirt and into a nice hot bath
Why are you always trying to put me in a nice hot bath? I begin to find it sinister
Well, would you like a nice hot toddy then?
I don't want anything nice and hot I'm sweating like a bull now
- You mean perspiring, darling - I do not mean perspiring
If I say I'm sweating, I'm sweating
Now kindly go into your own room I would like to disrobe
- Are you talking to me? - Unless you have somebody concealed under the rug, I imagine I am
Well, go ahead and disrobe Since when did...
Oh, really, Alfred! You're getting nuttier than a fruitcake!
Hah!
[Groans]
Darling
- Darling - Oh!
Oh, Alfred Did you hurt yourself? Oh
Nothing of the slightest importance, thank you
Oh, yes, you did too You cut your thumb
- Oh I'll bandage it for you - [Garbled] I'll bandage it myself
- What'd you say, dear? - I said I can manage quite nicely, thank you
Oh, heavens, Alfred Darling, those things are so sharp
Here, darling I'll do it for you
Darling, you ought to be more careful
I'm being quite careful, thank you
People get blood poisoning All kinds of...
- Gently now - All right
Oh!
- Oh! - Well, hold it still, darling
There Does it hurt very much?
- No - Oh, I'm so glad
Well, what are you shaving at this time of the night for anyway?
You'd be enormously surprised...
- Bless you - [Sneezes]
Well, if you won't take a bath, at least don't take your death of cold
You do like to do little things for me, don't you?
Not when you're like this I don't
I'll forgive you anyway
Forgive me for what?
You know perfectly well what I'm forgiving you for, so kindly hold your tongue!
- What? - Lest I change my mind
Well, go ahead and change your mind
I'll change my mind if I wish to change my mind
If I don't wish to change my mind, I shan't change my mind Is that clear?
Alfred What do you want to start paying bills for at this hour?
Bills? Hah!
- Can I help you, darling? - I can manage quite nicely, thank you
If it were possible for once to have a little ink
in the fountain pens in this house like they do in well run houses...
- I know Like in England - Precisely Like in England
Try the other one We drive on the right-hand side over here
That's a bright remark
Oh [Gasps] Oh, Alfred
- [Sighs] - Oh, I'll try to find something
Very well I will not forgive you
Suit yourself
- What's the matter with you? - You're not laughing quite so hard now
- What are you going to do with that? - Have you ever heard of Russian roulette?
Why, certainly I used to play it all the time with my father
I doubt that you played Russian roulette all the time with your father
I most certainly did You play it with two packs of cards, and...
That is Russian bank Russian roulette's a very different amusement
which I can only wish your father had played continuously before he had you
- Where are the... - Oh, Alfred, what is the matter with you?
You're acting like a crocodile with a toothache
- Where are the bullets for my revolver? - I don't know
You never seem to be able to find anything
Why don't you call Tony and ask him? He's supposed to look after your things
And how he does What devotion
And how you've thanked him for it tonight Honestly, Alfred, of all the boors...
- Just give me one reason why I should thank him, and I'll call him at once - Well, I wish you would
- What's his room number? - 3406
- How'd you know that? - Why shouldn't I know it?
He's your secretary, isn't he? I must have called him 9,000 times
- But you've never been there? - Yes, I have
- When, may I ask? - I don't think I want to tell you that
- I shouldn't think you would - Because it's really my problem I...
- Well, unless you want to help me with it - I shall be charmed!
You don't look very charmed
- It happened while you were in England - Naturally
He called me up one night, about 1:30, to find out if Barbara was here
because she'd told him that she was... but she wasn't
- How was that his business? - He's married to her, isn't he?
- Who is married to who? - August
- Don't try and change the subject We're not... - I'm not trying to change the subject
I'm trying to tell you August called me here to find out if Barbara was with me
because she told him she was... only she wasn't
- Who cares where Barbara is? - August, I suppose
- Oh, very well Where was she? - Well, I had this...
this awful suspicion that I didn't want to have
After all, she is my kid sister, and I always hoped that when she said those things about August
- that she was just trying to be funny - It wouldn't be very difficult
Anyway, I didn't dare tell August that she wasn't here
and I didn't dare call her where I thought she was
because the kind of a man who checks up on his wife
is the kind of a man who hires detectives to help him and has telephones tapped
You're describing August down to the last moth in his wallet
Anyway, I told him that she had been here with me and had just left
Then I threw on a negligee and hurried down there, just in case
- Hurried down where? - To 3406
3406
3406! Of course!
Well, of course, since that's Tony's room
The door was open a little, so I marched right in ready to give her a piece of my mind
but there wasn't anybody there, which certainly made me feel a lot better
and I started to leave a lot happier than I had felt when I arrived
Then I suddenly realized how terrible it would look if anybody saw me coming out of that room
Because Tony's about my age and...
To anybody who didn't understand how you and I feel about each other, it would look...
- Well, you know how dumb some people are - Do I
Just before I opened the door I peeked through the keyhole
and right there, near the freight elevator, I saw this great big old jerk squinting around the corner
- A large lumpy man with a face like an orangutan? - Right Like a gorilla
- Sweeney, the detective! August's detective! - That's what I was afraid of
Anyway, he stood there, and so I waited
and he waited and we waited...
For 38 minutes! He kept you there himself!
Well, it felt more like 38 years
Why, I actually began to feel guilty I'd never been in a man's room before... except yours
You wonderful, wonderful, wonderful child
- Why? What's so wonderful about that? - Telling me this tonight, of all nights
Telling you what, my darling? I have no secrets from you
Will you do me a very great favor?
I'll do anything you like as long as you ask me that way
Will you put on your lowest cut, most vulgarly ostentatious dress
with the largest and vulgarest jewels that you possess?
- I thought you weren't feeling... - Then accompany me
to the vulgarest, most ostentatious, loudest
and hardest-to-get-into establishment this city affords?
- But your cold, darling... - There's nothing the matter with me that a couple of magnums of champagne won't cure
I happen to want to celebrate I want to be seen in your exquisite company
I want the whole world to know that I'm the most fortunate of men
in the possession of the most magnificent of wives
I want to swim in champagne and paint the whole town not only red, but red, white and blue
I want everybody to see how much I adore you
always have adored you, revere you and... and trust you
Also how much I hope you have of warmth for me
But, my darling, I worship you
- Then put on your most outrageous dress - Shall I wear the purple with the plumes at the hips?
- The purple with the plumes at the hips? - Yes You know
It's cut down on one shoulder, and the coq feathers shoot off one hip like a tail of a comet.
I know it only too well
Wear the purple with the plumes at the hips, by all means
- And let it be a purple lesson to me - All right, my darling.
- Shh! - What was the matter with you tonight, Alfred?
Something so vulgar, so utterly contemptible and unworthy of a love like yours
I beg of you never to make me tell you.
But of course I won't, my darling
I know what it's like to be a great man
That is, I don't really, but
having so many responsibilities and
so much tenseness
watching out for and protecting so many people
Shh!
A thousand poets dreamed a thousand years
Then you were born, my love